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Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Today, my life suddenly created a change. Things, good things, started to happen and all I could do is smile. And then I finally realized that I was wrong, and I was being very much impatient. I have forgotten about Joseph Campbell's words that pain and joy are together. If there's pain, there's definitely joy. I was too engrossed with my sadness that I have failed to remember that I wasn't damned for eternity. Perhaps I was being tested. I don't know, really. Or maybe when I heard the first good news, I began feeling good about myself and my life and so God and the Universe began giving me good things. Now I can say that I'm really thankful with what I have, with what I gained. I am practically nervous at the moment, but it doesn't really matter now. That person who mentioned about people being generally overconfident is true. I am overconfident. And I know that it is worth taking risks because I am being guided. Thanks. Really. Thank you.
When life gives you lemons and you're not really fond of lemons, you either sell them or make a lemonade, then sell them.
10/29/2008 06:27:00 PM
I was just thinking of what I want most in my life, and began to realize that because of my constant thinking of having an "interpersonal relationship", I have totally forgotten that what I want most is to teach and to study. That's my life. Studying and learning is what I am good at. That's what I do best. What the hell happened to Mela reading the history of Jose Rizal? Didn't I value what I have learned? Actually, I do. I have just forgotten. I often forget especially when there are a lot of things going on in my life. Damn. I need coffee. My eyes can't take it anymore. Anyway, so there. regarding what I want in my life. I want to read and to study, but not to the extent of pushing my limits. I just want to have a balanced life. I want to be happy. And having a fucking boyfriend isn't the only way I can be happy. There are so much things to do. Hold on. Great. Now I'm starting to crave for coffee like crazy. What the hell is wrong with me? I'm starting to feel drowsy.
I want to go to Stanford or Yale someday. I want to experience such education in such prestigious Universities. Haha. Anyway, I'll be working on my short story for CREATIV so, I'll catch you later.
10/29/2008 12:34:00 PM
Monday, October 27, 2008
Yesterday, I was looking at my blog entry and noticed that I actually said something bothering. Remember I mentioned that I realized that I was explicitly unhappy and sad? And that I felt really isolated and alone? Well, that wasn't what I was supposed to say. I just remembered this morning. What I actually realized was...oh my. I totally forgot what I wanted to say. Damn it. Now I'll never know what I realized. Sigh. Anyway, let me just tell you how my day went. I don't usually narrate the events that happened to me here in my blog because I usually put here the feelings that I feel at a particular moment. But I am glad to say that what happened to me today affected me somehow.
Today, I had my midterm exams in Curidev. Ms. Acosta was right. Her exam was basically an application of what we have learned. It turned out to be fairly easy, and I think I did pretty well. I have a really good feeling about this one. After that, chey and I watched High school musical 3, and surprisingly enough, I liked it. I loved it, even. And I don't care whatever others say about it. I don't give a damn about every single negative comment that others made about the film. All I know is that I enjoyed watching it. And then after that, we still had to attend PREVAIM (but we were eventually late). All in all, I feel really normal today. Yes. Normal. I don't feel different, and good about today. Just normal. Habituated. Nothing fun. No good changes. They might say that I'm just not looking at the good things that are happening to me. Well, actually I do. But I don't really see the point. Everything that's just happening to me are pointless. The songs I listen to are meaningless and useless. I hope you're used to me being like this. At least I'm being honest to myself. I feel bad, really bad. And I'm starting to think that it doesn't even matter at all. Can you hear me? If you can, please. Hear me. Heed my prayers. Make my wishes come true. Make things meaningful again. Please. I don't think I can handle it anymore. Please. Please. Hear me. I just want to be happy.
10/27/2008 08:47:00 PM
Sunday, October 26, 2008
I just thought of something really funny today. I'm very unhappy and uninspired. No wonder I can't get myself to study for my midterm exams. I don't feel anything special at all. I wouldn't ask myself anymore why all the things I am doing just feel so useless and meaningless. And what's worse is that God and the Universe already knows about how I feel. I have already told them. I have already asked them what I want. And yet days pass by with me still being a nobody. I want to become special to somebody. And at the same time I want somebody to be special to me. Is that too hard a thing to ask? Now I begin to feel like I have nothing. No matter how much things I have, how much gadgets I own, how beautiful the clothes I wear are, I don't seem to be contented. This proves that no material thing can ever make me feel complete. This is supposed to be a good thing, to actually realize that there are more important things than money. But in my case, it seems like I don't get blessed for knowing that. What else do they want? Do they want me to wish for material things instead? I don't understand. Do they want me to feel bad about myself and to suffer again? Do they really want me to think that there's just no point in doing the things I am doing right now? I'm tired. I'm really tired. I worked my ass off loving myself. It's about time somebody comes to help me love me. Somebody I will love just as much.
10/26/2008 10:18:00 PM
Thursday, October 23, 2008
I just saw my previous entry, and began to think to myself, "Boy, was I that mad?". Well, obviously. Whew. Looking back, I must admit that I was indeed surprised to see what I have written on that blog post. That is so not like me, though I was the one who wrote it. Now you see what happens to a person like myself gets extremely angry. Well, to all that I have hurt, whether you guys know it or not, I want to deeply apologize. I was just carried away by what has happened, and I am sorry. I hope you guys are too. Moving on...
I can't help feeling bad about my life right now. I know, i know. You must be tired of hearing shitty stuff about my life, and it doesn't look like you have heard anything goo from me. Well, you see, right now, my life lacks an inspiration, so it continues to be boring, and somehow, meaningless. I don't see the reason for doing certain things anymore. I just feel like my life has become very much habituated, and all the while the same. Nothing seems to change. And at times like this, I feel very much useless and unimportant. I feel like nothing good is ever gonna happen to me. I want to die now. But of course, I won't do that. I haven't reached that point yet (but I'm almost there). Now, I don't know how much long I have to wait for all this. Nothing just seems to be right anymore. Yes, there are times when I feel good about what's happening, but most of the time, I feel alone, and desolate, and lonely. And the worst part is, though I know exactly why I'm feeling this way, I couldn't even do anything about it.
10/23/2008 08:55:00 PM
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Let me just express myself at the moment. Let me say how mad I am right now. Let me rant out my thoughts filled with so much agony, and hatred, and disappointment, and pain. So that I don't become suicidal.
Damn it! Damn it! Damn this situation. PUTANGINA! I feel outrageous, and angry, and vengeful, and vexed! Tell me, when there's a group work that needs to be done, what's really supposed to happen? What are the group members who are part of that group supposed to do? Do each of them need to do their part? It's a COLLABORATIVE WORK, isn't it? ALL THE MEMBERS OF THE GROUP ARE SUPPOSED TO CONTRIBUTE SOMETHING. And so what happens if they don't? Well, people like myself tend to go crazy and lose their minds. I'm already losing mine. For God's sake, this is the second time that such an incident happened. God, why can't I have more responsible and trustworthy groupmates? Those who actually think? Those who actually know what they are doing? Those who know how to take the lead? Those who actually take things seriously? Damn it. Why do I have to be stuck with these kinds of people who do not even know what are needed to be prioritized! See now I'm fucking mad! I really am. I fixed the whole part two, the hardest part in the activity. And there are 7 of us in the group. So there are still 6 who can do part 1 and the footnotes. Shit! Christ have mercy on me! Have I really become the unluckiest person in the world? Huh? Tell me! Now I'm really finding it hard to believe that things happen for a reason. All I can think right now is that I'm being battered randomly, for no reason at all.
10/18/2008 08:50:00 AM
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