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Friday, November 21, 2008
Karel, a really good friend of mine, once told me that being open to possibilities is different from hoping for possibilities to happen. What exactly is the difference between the two? Well, here's how I understood it
When one is being open to possibilities, s/he is not being expectant at all. When one is hoping for a particular possibility to happen or occur, s/he is expecting something to happen. So it's basically being expectant versus not being expectant. Now, can somebody tell me which is better? What would I risk if I do not expect? And if I did, will there also be setbacks? Such a dilemma. Now I'm starting to feel bad about it myself. What do I mean? Well, here. I feel bad for having to wait, and hope, and BLAH. I know, I know. I know that the answer is long and coming but... does it really have to be that long? God! I know in my heart that the Universe is doing these things with zero effort, and I know that they are always answering. It's true when they said that we wouldn't want to live in a world where your thoughts immediately manifests. That would be fucking crazy! And so we should just simply let the Universe do its job, and let ourselves be surprised by amazing things that it can do for us. Woooo! But of course. It is inevitable for a person to sometimes feel about about this. Why? Because most of the time, we... get a feeling that our prayers and that our wishes are not answered. And so we get depressed, and disappointed, and miserable, all because we failed to wait and got impatient. In my case, obviously, this is particularly true. I don't know how the heck the Universe or God works. And so I have the tendency to you know, be all that impatient, and UNtrusting because I don't want to wait. Believe me. If there is one personality that I would like to have, it would definitely be being patient, or being able to wait for a loooonnnnggg time. An incredibly long time. Whew. Well, if you would come to think of it. I've been waiting for more or less just 3 weeks. (laughs out loud). How funny, 3 weeks? And I'm already getting impatient? Woah me!
11/21/2008 05:53:00 PM
Thursday, November 20, 2008
And so I ask myself, what is it exactly that I am waiting for in my life? Well, I also do not know. Why does it look like I'm going back to where I started? Why do I feel persistently disappointed once again? I know. It was said that the answer is long and coming. And I just have to be patient about it. However, Corrine May was right when she said that this point in life could be pretty tough. And it is particularly true in the documentary of The Secret that there is another part in the creative process that I have to understand. It's learning how to receive. This is pretty hard, really. It's hard to wait once more. God *****, you're lucky I've mastered the art of waiting already. You're lucky I've learned how to increase my patience.
11/20/2008 11:33:00 AM
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
I am particularly happy yesterday, the the day before that, and today, and probably until the rest of my life. All because I love *****. Wow. Interesting. And really, that's all I could say. I was caught speechless.
11/19/2008 07:43:00 AM
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
This is now my chance to clarify, or change whatever ideas I had in the past that I wrote here in my blog. So, here goes.
Today, I am exceptionally happy. I am exuberant. This is because I've already made up my mind on the person that I like and want the most. Also, my friends are in good moods so everything else is in accord with how I am feeling. Because of this, I've decided to take back what I have previously said about us being miserable forever. I'm sorry for having to sound so pessimistic about life at that time. I was probably unhappy during that time, and so I probably haven't realized or noticed yet the good things that were around me. So let me just tell you that I have already changed my view on things. We people are not really predestined to be miserable forever. It's true that we suffer, and we hurt, and we feel pain. But that's not because life was made that way. We become miserable because we choose to be miserable. It's actually based on how we feel, and how we perceive ourselves. It is dependent on our current state or condition. Meaning, if we feel happy about things, and about ourselves, then our lives become happy throughout. And if we start to feel depressed and disappointed, then our life continues to be that way, unless we opt to change it. Now, I believe it is us who creates the things that are going to happen in our lives. I learned this from The Secret, and I think that's really true. The only way we could become happy is when we choose to become happy. So choose to be. I DID. Another thing I would want to clarify is my notion on love. LOVE is a strange thing. LOVE is a really strange thing. You'll never know when it will hit you, though you're pretty sure that no matter what it will hit you. And so when LOVE comes your way, go and let yourself be hit. Don't make CUPID mad by letting him miss the shot. Remember, he is the God of LOVE, so might as well be caught under his so-called spells. Besides, GODS are supposed to know what they are doing. The only way to be loved and to love is by choosing to be hit by CUPID'S LOVE ARROW. So choose to be. I DID. And finally, I want people to know that LOVING means having to make sacrifices, even when you're already on your worst. Just like now. Even though you're already feeling bad about having to wait for such a long time (just like what I am experiencing now), you must believe and continue loving. One must actually think that when loving someone, there are no rules. So people can play foul, can cheat, and can sabotage. People can do whatever they want when they love, to put it simply. Would you like to hear my story? Well, it's not like you really have a choice. I.. am.. under the spell of stupid cupid love. And the sad thing about this is that although I know that love is the best feeling one can ever feel in his/her entire life, right now, I feel awful. I'm in pain. I'm hurting. And I'm being like some kind of masochist because I won't stop killing myself. If you ask me why, I don't think I would be able to answer something logical. All I know is that I'm in love. And that makes me want to puke. To hell with love. Now all I can ever blame is my crazy self, because I can't stop this motherfucking feeling. I'm insane, I know. And that's all because I CHOSE TO BE. I chose to love. Even though it hurts me. I know the pain will go away. ****************** "Paano kung nagaassume ka lang? Eh di masasaktan ka lang?" "I'm willing to risk it. I know what I believe in. And that's enough for me."
11/12/2008 09:57:00 PM
I realized today the person that I really really want. Out of the seven people in my list, he's the one I thought most (and still thinking of until now) today. He's the one I want. He really is. This time, I'm positive.
I could not stop thinking about him. I wanted to see him in SJ, in Miguel, in Yuchengco, in Andrew, and everywhere else in the campus. It's strange. The feeling is strange because I have no idea why I feel that way about him. All I know is that I would want to see him, and talk to him once more. Jesus! I know it's weird, this feeling. But I like it. I want him. I want him. Am I being too selfish? Should I also think about what he wants? Doesn't he want me back? I hope he does. I know he does. Crap, this feeling makes me smile like crazy. What on earth is happening to me? I called him pagibig. I called him the love of my life. Damn it! Damn this feeling that I so fuckingly love. I don't want to expect and all because I don't want to get hurt, but I am willing to take the risk. I want him. Nothing else matters. Have you ever seen someone like me? Have you ever seen someone like him? Gawd, he's perfect. He is like the most perfect thing in the whole Universe. The way he speaks, though it's not really that good, for me it's perfect. The way he looks, though some might say he's not that handsome and good-looking, for me he's perfect. I'm going crazy. I want to dance like some insane mental patient right now. Darn me. Darn this feeling. But I like it. I love it even. And his eyes. They're like the most perfect eyes you'll ever see in the entire world. Well, for me they are. Am I sounding disgusting now? Do you think I'm being some obsessed stalker already? Oh well. So what? I'm not being a stalker. I'm just saying how much I like him. Is that bad? Does it sound bad? Oh my goodness. It does. But who cares? Screw you people. Universe, and all might God and Father, and Jesus, and the Heavens, and the Spirit, I want him. I really do. I don't care if you think I'm being too selfish, even if I don't think I'm being like that. Screw my list. Screw my other crushes. I just want him. All I want is him. I hope you can feel and hear my thoughts, and hopefully too, you respond to them. I really want him. I've never wanted anyone before. I've never wanted any guy like this before. I want him. I want him to be happy... even if it's not with me (though I'm still hoping it is).
11/12/2008 04:40:00 PM
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
My first ever demo-teaching in the College level was yesterday. I wasn't able to blog about this very important thing as soon as i got home because I had been down (devastated as you may say) last night.
And so the verdict for yesterday's demo? Generally sucky, but I pulled it off. It was generally sucky because not all the time the students were participating. Also, there were times when the students had something to say and I just did not know what to tell them. Jesus! Those moments were terrifying. So, if you were in our class, you would have noticed the "dead-air" or silent moments that I had to bear during my demo. But enough of the bad things. Let's move on to the good things about this demo. First and foremost, it was a team-teaching. Thanks to Jade, I was able to stay in front and not faint. She really helped me throughout the lesson, and we supported each other all the way! Yay! Also, though the dominant feeling that is conquering my whole being right now (yes, I'm still feeling that way until now) is fear and probably embarrassment, I know (in mind) that that's how a sane human being who just taught for the first time would actually feel. And so I have to come to an understanding that it's okay to feel this way. Besides, my students, well some of them, turned out to be really good-looking so, I think that's a good thing. So last night, the night after my demo, I was feeling really down. In fact, I still am. That demo-teaching had a huge impact on me, that I just couldn't stop thinking about it. I'm even blogging about it now, when I'm supposed to be doing my critique paper for speecom. But you see, I'm not. I'm actually in the process of getting it over with. I'm trying to get the feeling that there is really nothing to worry about! It was just a demo. It's not like somebody died or something. And besides, your students probably have forgotten you, and what you taught them, so let it by! Damn it! Oooops. Sorry for the outburst. Anyway, there are still lots of things to do, and there's no room left for procrastination so I better be doing the things that I seriously need to do. I have to do good this term, and until I graduate. There's more to come and so if I do not take things seriously, my grades would suffer. I would not want that to happen, would I? SO LET ME JUST STOP THIS DRAMA AND SIMPLY MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE. The demo's over. Leave it. And so the lamb finally got over her terrifying experience. The end. (HOPEFULLY) I wonder what happened to the Lion.
11/11/2008 05:42:00 AM
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
And then he said, “Zita, how come your lips are so red?” “Because I’m trying to hide my true feelings,” she said, with much pain in her eyes. “Can you tell me what’s wrong?” Reteche asked in obscurity, as his face turned serious. Dreary tears fell from Zita’s eyes and she fell silent as her body grew numb. “Even though we’re going to be miles apart, I will always remember the times that we were together,” Zita whispered her voice almost inaudible. Faintly knowing what was going on, Mr. Reteche held on tight to Zita as if he knew exactly what was going to happen next. “Go away! We just can’t be together anymore,” exclaimed Zita with tears pouring heavily from her eyes showing the grief and devastation that she felt. Hurriedly running to the door, Zita disappeared, leaving Mr. Reteche alone in the dark and quiet room. Immediately after, everything about Mr. Reteche changed; his usual gentle smile had vanished and his blissful aura vanished. Just as he thought that he needs to devote his time to work, he found out that he cannot concentrate on anything at all; from the paper works he had to finish to the lectures that he needed to accomplish. Keeping it all to himself seemed to be the only thing he did perfectly. Looking back at the moments he spent with Zita, he remembered how Zita would look at him with much endearment. “My life now is all about you,” he remembered her saying those sweet and lovely words. “Night after night, I think about you and I want you to know that my life too has been and always will be about you,” Mr. Reteche would always respond to her. Oblivion fell on Mr. Reteche as he withdrew from reality. Painstakingly, he suffered from the memories he had of Zita and it brought him much agony. Queries were addressed to God by Mr. Reteche on why he and Zita had to part; sadly no signs of answer from the divine. Reteche constantly avoided people and drowned in pain. Soon after, he decided to exile himself to Anayat to somehow forget about his dappled past. Tormented by his memories, he kept himself busy by staring blankly at the beach and having continuous sleepless nights. Unsure of what destiny wanted from him, he met another girl also named Zita. Vexed with what he just found out, he felt uneasy every time he saw Zita. Wondering why Mr. Reteche looked at Zita with much perplexity, she began to love him herself and did everything she could to please him. Xanthium flowers filled Zita’s mind as she compared them to Mr. Reteche’s seemingly pleasant scent when he came to Zita’s home and asked her to marry him. Yearning for Mr. Reteche, she waited for him with much uneasiness, until Turong came and handed her a blue envelope. “Zita, I’m sorry, but I have to go back to the city. I hope you understand,” she read the letter Mr. Reteche left him, and as she began to be filled with much sorrow, she despairingly tore the letter into pieces.
11/05/2008 06:47:00 AM
Monday, November 3, 2008
Last night and this morning, I watched and listened to The Secret over and over again. And the reason for that would be my desire to master and apply the secret to my life. And slowly, I'm beginning to see its effect to my life. Of course still on a small scale because I haven't fully mastered yet the skills necessary to apply the secret. But the good thing about this is that not only do I get what I want, but at the same time I feel good about my life. It's as if I began to see things in a different way. This is most especially important to me because I haven't been feeling good lately. I've been feeling depressed and devastated these past few days, as if I were not allowed to be happy. I was drowning in bad thoughts and I had a really dark aura. But now, I feel a whole lot better. I feel rejuvenated somehow. I know that this will go on forever. :)
11/03/2008 06:40:00 PM
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